kylee-larson

I guess I'll start with this:  I would like to run away.

All day long, I've been wanting to start over.  Just go somewhere else and be someone else.  This isn't because anything in my life is bad.  In fact, most everything in my life is great:  great husband, friends, job, life...

I think that's why.  The greater my husband gets, the more worried I get that I'm not great enough.  The better friendships I have, the more worried I am that I'm not being a good enough friend.  The more my ministry grows, the more anxious I get about not giving it enough time, doing enough, handling things right... etc. etc.  I want to start over because in the beginning of things you have no responsibilities.  No expectations.  No one to let down.  And, I guess I feel like all these relationships and expectations and pressures I've put on myself are inescapable.  I don't feel like I have a choice over this system now.  The only way to be free would be just to begin again.

Of course, these thoughts have little truth in them.

Gabe was talking today about spiritual warfare in Aftershock today.  I realized, while listening, that this is the form of spiritual slavery that works the best on me.  I become paralyzed.  Without anyone's help, I become overwhelmed with my own expectations of what they want, need, or the level at which I should be succeeding (I'm finding that even my idea of success is a lie!).  I get overwhelmed by my perfectionist ideals, by the great need around me that I will never be enough for, and by all the energy I spend trying to make people happy or reach a high enough bar for them to "love" me...or to love Jesus...because then Jesus might love me.  It gets to be too much, and then I get stuck, and I back off...don't do anything because there is too much and I am not enough...it goes on and on.

So, like Gabe and others lately have been saying, I need to find the truth in order to be able to sort out what is lies.  Here's one I've been holding onto that might sound a little dumb, but it's been helpful.  I need to remember that I am the gift.  God is not a gift that we put into a box and carry around trying to give to people. This is so often my attitude. I try to wrap him, package him pretty, and think of many sincere ways to "give" him to people out of MY deep love for them, "because I love you, I give you God." Lie. This only perpetuates my unhealthy thinking:  that it is my job to give, out of my limited resources, to an unlimited need, and that my success in this venture determines my worth.  The truth though, is that it's the other way around.  Out of God's deep love for us, he gave himself.  Then, he gives us each other, the Church.  We, serving Him, are given to each other. This way, it is God's unlimited love going out to the need.  I am only a piece of it.  I need only be where he puts me and faithful there.  People don't respond?  It's okay.  It's His gift to give, in his timing, when people are ready.  It's all toward him.  I can escape the lies that I am that important, alone, and inadequate, and serve freely and cleanly.  Now...if I could just remember.