gabe-reed

"Relentless".  I have been struck by the word for awhile.  I listen to people speak and they have their "sayings" that they always use.  For instance - Chris Mishler has been using "lean into" a lot - example - Lean into the spirit, lean into your gifts.  For some reason 'relentless' has been mine.  I'm not sure if I say it as much as I feel it.  I began to think about people in life, especially my own life.  A synonym for relentless would be "persistent".  But what are we relentless for?  I don't know where everyone stands, but for me, I am relentless for entertainment, to feel good, to win people's approval, to be carefree, to enjoy life.  Those kinds of things.  But what comes to mind for me is business men and women.  Do you  know anyone that is in a sales business?  It seems like that's all they talk about, that's all they pursue with their life.  And when they get laid off...life is horrible.  It's as if that is the only thing good in their life.  People are on a "relentless pursuit".  Of what?  Who knows?!  Does it have lasting value in their life?  Typically not.  So why do we keep pursuing these types of things?  What do we gain from them that has this world fooled into thinking this is the answer?  Here's a thought, that momentary pleasure of "LOOK AT ME!".  Has anyone else noticed we live in a world of "look at me"?  It's become about  me, what I can gain, what I can become, what value I have.

Let's look at the flipside.  God.  He is relentless, persistent, never ending.  He has a relentless pursuit as well.  Us.  Me.  You.  God is in a relentless pursuit of our lives.  Constantly showing Himself to us and loving us.  Why?  When I think about me as a person, I have no clue why!  His love makes no sense to me.  I had a great conversation with a 7th grade boy a few weeks ago about this.  He likes to think about things logically and a God that pursues him and loves him so much, doesn't make sense to him.  I love this in a kid, but it got me thinking.  Why doesn't it make sense?  Maybe it's because we live in a world where the 'relentless pursuit' is about selfish desires and selfish gain.  So to think of anybody pursuing things other than what they can get, it doesn't make sense. 

What if, think about this, we spent 1 month relentlessly pursuing a relationship with God?  Would we gain anything?  In the gospels it says "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"  Really, what good is it?  How incredible would life be, would the world be, if we pursued knowing, loving and serving God and forfeiting our desires for life!  Maybe this is what God is trying to teach us.  Maybe we need to quit thinking about ourselves for one moment and see the value and impact of knowing this kind of love.  If we could just grasp what a relentless pursuit of something other than ourselves - would we catch a glimpse of what Jesus was doing with His time here?  What is your pursuit?  What are you doing with your life that has lasting value?  I need to rethink my priorities and dive headfirst into this relentless pursuit.

I would love to go into detail of my day, but that would cause more of a mess :-)  Let's just say, it was a lot for me to handle.  I may need to start going to celebrate recovery because I have too much of "people pleasing" in me.  I did nothing wrong today, but when you know people are upset with you...it kind of bugs you!  Then I got a phone call tonight from another parent and I'm just like "God, I'm doing everything I know is right...what's going on?!?"  I put a lot of value in what people think of me...too much.  I even just gave a message to the youth a few weeks back about where we find our value.  Sometimes the messages I have are really more for me, but they always come back and hit me even harder a few weeks later.  As much as I would like to say I have it together and I find my value from God, I don't.  I even had an example I gave the kids that I thought was pretty powerful - but I can't seem to let it get from my head to my heart.  And that's what's going on. It's a head/heart issue...

I may "know" things and I may seem like I got it together, but I've missed it.  A lot of what you see on my outside is my head knowledge and cool things I've heard and I pass them along.  But I'm off...by a mere 18 inches that makes a complete life changing difference.  If the things I heard and the things I learned would be in my heart, how much different would my life look.  If I could just get it down there.  I can't seem to figure out how.

I was in the shower and the story of Jesus feeding the people popped into my head.  I feel like I'm living my life like the boy.  I have my fish and my bread and I try to offer it to people - but I run out.  I run around trying to be "super youth pastor", but I'm not fooling anyone, I'll eventually run dry.  But when that boy put the fish and bread into the hands of Jesus, He was able to accomplish an incredible thing that no person could have done.  I think we do this in ministry - we put it on ourselves.  There is a point that I have to know it and I have to be able to perform, but how often do I give things to God?  How often do I ask for His hand in the ministry to make things happen?  I try and do it on my own and try to see lives changed...on my own.  How foolish?!

I was challenged with this when we got home from our ski trip last week.  When was the last time I prayed for each individual kid?  Then today I had the opportunity to baptize a girl and I just didn't feel right about it for some reason.   But when was the last time I prayed for this specific girl?  I am in an incredible place where I have the ability to spend time with God and be in prayer specifically for a multitude of kids, and then go try to be in their life.  But instead, I try to be in their life and then if something comes up, I pray for them.

I have so much to learn, so much more to grow.  But this past week has just been hitting me from all sides.  1 - Who do I let speak truth into my life and encourage me? 2 - Whose ministry is it? Mine or His? 3 - Why do I let everything affect me in such huge ways when it's really not my issue?

Here's my point...if there even is a point.  You can study, you can read, you can memorize, you can listen to an incredible sermon, you can worship your little heart out....but until all of that gets out of your head and into your heart, it's useless.  When I let God speak to my heart, I experience true joy.

Also, this weather depresses me...I'm ready to get out and go to Florida.  I also think I just want a break, like a serious break where I have nothing ministry to think about, just time to rejuvinate my spirit.  A guy named Tim Atkins did a youth night where he had the kids just speak to him and encourage him...I need that.  I think I'm too prideful to ever do something like that.  But I think I just need a kid to come out of nowhere and encourage me.  I feel like I'm putting a lot into these kids and seeing nothing come of it.  Sure their parents thank me after I take them out for ice cream, but am I making a difference?  I know none of them read this so it's safe to say, but let me drop my pride a second and say, I need encouragement from them.

That's a lot of thoughts on here.  One of these days I'll write an impactful one hopefully :-)  But I hope through what I say, people can relate and know that they're not alone when you just feel like you're not enough.  That's all....give me more time to process my life and I'll try to come up with something inspiring :-)

I was inspired this week by 2 different events.  The first was the movie "Blindside" - most of you probably know the premise of the story so I won't go into detail over it.  But it got me thinking of the Anderson community and what I've witnessed here in the past 8 years of being here.  A big thing from that movie was taking a boy who comes from the projects of Memphis, TN and putting him in an environment that will allow him to excel at what he is gifted at.  If he had remained in the projects, who knows where he would've ended up, possibly dead or in jail.  But because he was taken from a place that held him back and put into a place that pushed him forward, he has become great, he has overcome the "projects" that he was dealing with and now makes a killing in the NFL.  What happened?  He left the environment that held him back, the projects.

The second event happened last night.  I ran into 2 former youth kids.  One of them is still in high school, but has nothing to do with me anymore.  The other dropped out of high school probably a month before graduation and has done nothing with his life.  It's hard in my position because you want to see all kids as potential great influencers and leaders, but that's not always the case.  The drop out has always used his family's issues as something that holds him back and he blames other people for his life.  Nothing is ever his fault, it's the way his cards were dealt.  The other kid, he has SOO much potential.  He is so talented and gifted in many areas, but because of his attitude and who is in his life, is doing nothing.

I see this too often.  People let where they come from determine where they are going.  I know too many people that have dropped out of school and are doing nothing with their life, even though they have so many talents and abilities.  Then I see a kid that has so much potential, but is still living in the projects of his own mind.  The thinking is, because I'm from podunk Anderson, I can't get out of here and succeed at anything I do.  Too many times we settle on "this is it, this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life" when right in front of us is opportunity just waiting.  But we've held onto the projects that we are so used to, the people that have always just been there in our life and we expect our lives to stay the way they are.  You become who you associate yourself with.  So when I saw these 2 kids last night, the one still in high school who has so much potential is hanging out with a guy that is doing nothing...I can't help but wonder where he'll be in 5 years if he doesn't change his association.

I'm not pointing a finger and saying this kid is being dumb...I'm saying from experience because I was that kid.  I can think of many people who I spent my time with and led me down the wrong path because I made the choice to follow that.  By the grace of God, he snatched me out of that life and brought men of integrity to speak truth into my life and get me back on that path.  I know those 2 kids don't like me, something happened in the past that caused them not to like me.  But part of me feels this tugging on my heart to reach out to that kid and be that man to speak truth into him.  I don't want to see another kid graduate from the Anderson schools and assume they can't accomplish anything because of where they come from.  Where do you want to go?  Who do you want to be?  Don't let your past determine your future.  If we did that...we all know I wouldn't be who I am today.  Thank you God for your grace and redemption.

I have a lot of noise in my life.  Libby tells me this all the time (she's a smart one), but she's dead on.  I always have to have the tv on whether or not I'm paying attention to it, or I'm on my ipod playing or doing something that occupies me.  But a month or 2 ago, I went hunting with a friend of mine from church.  I'm not what you might imagine as a "hunter", but going out there really did something for me.  I sat in a tree all day and actually read a book!  When I finished the book, I just sat.  As I was sitting there, there was no noise.  I didn't have my cell phone ringing, I didn't have the sound of the heater kicking on, there was no traffic....nothing.  It was in this time that i felt like I could just connect with God on a deeper level.  I've always been able to connect better with God when I am out in nature, but this was just cool because I was up in a tree!  I had a great time and felt the intimacy I believe we all long for with our Heavenly Father.  But something just got to me tonight.  I love the story of Elijah going up to the mountain to meet with God.  He had all of these big "moments" happen where he believed God would be in the midst of them, and He wasn't.  Then came a gentle whisper - and this is where God was.

We wonder why our relationship with God has its ups and downs.  Look around you, look at the noise in your life.  It's everywhere!  I'm the worst at this by far!  I think this will be a new challenge to myself - turn off the noise and be quiet before God.  I think there's a reason He says, "BE STILL, and know that I am God"  I think in reality God is saying "Would you stop for ONE SECOND and put everything down, turn off whatever you have on and just be quiet...then you'll see me"  hmmm...powerful.  Guess I should turn the TV off now and eat my own words.  You only have 1 life, what are you doing to make the most of it?

It's been awhile and Phil challenged us to write on here...so I am :-)  But this is going to be good for me, I need to process some things.  You readers have become the bathroom stall readers for me, I throw my thoughts out there or what I'm going through and any feedback I can receive is much appreciated - because I really need it.  Unfortunately, I feel like I always write when I am down, but I think this is the time when I do the most thinking/processing of my life and what is going on around me.

A little more than a month ago, I got real into reading (that's huge for me) and I started reading Frank Peretti books.  This opened my eyes so much more to the realm of spiritual warfare that is so prevalent in our lives.  Through all this reading, I was beginning to feel on top of the world.  I was learning, I was growing and not a day went by that I didn't feel like I was progressing as a person and growing in my relationship with Christ.  For some reason though about 2 weeks ago, something switched inside of me.  I can't put my finger on what it is...but now I think I can.

We split the student ministry about 2 months ago so we have a middle school and high school group.  I took over just the middle school and I absolutely love it...I love it, I can't stress that enough.  I love that age, I love those kids and I love how moldable they are.  In 4 years of being the primary youth pastor, we never really reached middle school students.  We were primarily a high school youth ministry.  So I was starting all over like it was a new job.  The first night was a hit, about 35 kids!!  Incredible, I felt good....then the next few weeks we were down to 11 or 12...not so good.  Then came the time I got into reading and really beginning to grow myself...what followed was incredible...48 kids began to come out.  Last week there were around 65.  Now the numbers are not the important thing I want to look at, but the numbers show that there is growth in the ministry.  After we began to build this momentum (and the high school was doing the same - even better actually) I think something got into my life.  A little pride.  We went from maybe 6-10 middle school kids to 50 in a matter of weeks?!?  I hate to admit it, it really kind of disgusts me with myself, but I got prideful.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I do now that I look back.  And what happens once pride sets in?  You fall...and I did.  Only a couple people around me knew it because I shared how I was feeling down about things, but wasn't sure what it was.  I tend to hide things pretty well, atleast I like to think I do.  But God reminded me the other day as I was getting in my car - "This is mine...what you are doing, it's mine.  The moment you think it's you, I will remind you"  It was clear as day that those words came into my head.  Clearly God was sending me a message - and He got right through.  It humbled me, probably more than I wanted to be humbled.  I think there is nothing better than falling on your face before God in utter humiliation of what I've been trying to do with my life and not keeping my eyes on Him.  I hate that reminder, but I love it because it draws me back to the heart of God. 

I seem to come back to the same struggle all the time - feeling like I'm not "enough".  I'm there again.  I don't know if this is God saying, "YOU GOT IT!!!  Finally, you are NOT enough...without me" or what it is.  I think anytime we are trying to do things for the kingdom on our own, we will always feel like we are not enough.  But how often are we diving into our relationship with God and pursuing Him with our lives?  To be honest, I struggle with it. I don't know why!  I loved feeling like things were going great and feeling good about myself.  Maybe it's this pride thing I need to get out of my life, but I hate being humbled.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  I think I need to get back into the Word and see the truth that is in my life, that God loves me and God sees me.  He knows my needs, He knows my struggles and He is there through it all.  I can preach it all day long, but sometimes it's hard to believe it for myself and to really let those words of truth sink deep into my heart.

So if you happen to run into me this week or talk with me, if I seem distant or not really there - it's not you.  I'm processing and trying figure stuff out - it takes me time to do that.  Just know we're on this journey together and without God, we're not enough.  But with Him - He's more than enough. (chris tomlin plug there!)  But I'm fighting and praying for protection because the enemy is real and He loves that we struggle and wants nothing more than for us to struggle.  I'm thankful for my friends and family that support me and are there for me through all of this.  But most importantly, I'm thankful for a God who will never let me out of His reach and will rescue me before I fall.