jeni-bell

I'm sitting in my CUBE enjoying a silent cry. These tears are cleansing and much needed. If this reads awkward and random excuse me, I need to write and share. I was reading a message and got hit with a brick... Sometimes that's what God has to do to get me to pay attention to him. Ok, maybe more then sometimes.

This was my read...

Joshua 3:4 "Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before."


I have always feared the unknown, it’s been so pain-staking. ALL MY LIFE fear has caused me to live on pins and needles and spend precious energy anticipating the worst. This BRICK (scripture) hit me hard…and left an imprint on my heart…the future is not here and it’s not mine.

So he placed this scene in my mind...

- The Israelites are almost there after 40 years.
- Moses has died, after 40 years of leading them.
- Just on the other side of the Jordan is their Promise land.
- And, now they have someone new leading them there.

Oh my... I can only imagine how much fear swept through that camp.

But Joshua stayed diligent and focused on God. God gave Joshua clear instructions on when to go, how to do it, and even why he wanted it that way. So, EACH ONE of the Israelites could experience Gods love and faithfulness. I’m so selfish…

The story softens my heart, brings me joy, and stirs up humility.

So, here's the scene in my life (this year especially)...

This is my 40th year - literally.
My mom has died.
And just on the other side of my fears, insecurities and addictions (the Jordan) is my Promise land.
And, I have been issued a new way to get there, Salvation.

Joshua's life was unpredictable and full of unknowns but he resisted fear and kept focused on God rather than the events surrounding him. God guided the Israelites through the unknown, and He will guide me too. Each time I come to a place I've never passed through He is always present to lead me - if I focus.

Here’s the source of my tears...

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you." Isaiah 43:1-4

Time to rest.

I’m not tired.

Yes you are.

My mind is congested with things to do.

It’ll be there tomorrow.

It won’t wait until tomorrow.

It must.  Rest.

What about…

Let me take it for you.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.

But what if…

It won’t.  I promise.  Trust me.

Are you sure?

Trust me.

Heavy to hold she allows them to fall shut.  Her moments peace interrupted.  Fear of silence.

Papa!

Yes, child?

It’s dark.

I’m right here princess.

Hold my hand?

I have been.  Can you not feel it?

I can’t.  Are you really here?

I’m here, let go of your blanket.

Oh… I feel you now.  Your hand is so warm, and your skin soft.  Reminds me of the time I was running super fast and fell, mother picked me up and…

Shhh… rest.

Papa?

Yes, baby?

What if I fall asleep and wake up and you’re not there and I get overwhelmed again and I cry out with no words…

You will wake up and I will be here.  You will be overwhelmed again and I will hear your cries inside.

Wrestling with all forty winks hija surrenders to trust.  Tension descends and she is still.  Yet, brief…

PAPA?!

I’m here.

I remember!  Oh, papa… I remember!

You won’t forget.  Tell me.

They didn’t deserve my sin. I know they never saw it coming. I hurt them. I hurt them. Oh,   Papa… forgive me.  Love them.

I’ve already forgiven you.

Leave me Papa, leave me and go to them.  Comfort them. 

Their comfort is poured on through my other hand… as is yours now.

Silent tears stream down the cheek of his hija. Each one reminding her of redemption, forgiveness, grace and joy.

Papa…

Yes hija?

I’m thirsty.

Then drink.

Drawn to the beauty of thin.

I set my tent in the valley by the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah

Over and over, saving rites to buy a ticket for the banquet of approval.

Turning inside out for the Bread of Life to save me

Covering my ears and indulging in the superficial feast of my own transgressions

Why do I play Hide n’ Seek with the one who pursues me?

Do I chase something other then the lush green beauty the cities offer?

Comfort comes to me as I sit near the edge of sin and return again.

I’ll cross over and only stay a while…

Be my Abraham, beg for my deliverance.

was i a cockroach:
trodden on by merciless feet,
looked down upon as if
i shouldn't have been wandering their
jostled streets?

being
without meaning;

i continued to exist in shadows
and alley ways,
scraping by on the remnants
of the sunshine they ignored.

trampled
on by feet that, like mine
had been damaged,

but went unheard,
unrecognized.

…Until I sought refuge
in His grace.

He has refined me
I stand tall, without defeat.