alone. my heart breaks for those who are alone. I know what it is like to feel alone. It is crippling, it stabs into you, it is a cut that doesn't stop bleeding. I'm writing this, i am scared to death, because im starting to step away from my hiding spot. The spot that is dark, cramped, lonely but safe. It is safe, where it seems like no one can hurt me anymore, and i am not hurting anyone else. When i retreat to my hiding spot, I usually starve myself there, of people, of love, of god. For years I've retreated to this place, as a victim of shame, abuse, and disgust. I may eventually creep away, but only to get enough to survive on.
This time i decided not to hide. I knew if I hid I would go back to that horrible place. That place of my addiction, that is cramped, cold, shameful, but it lures me in. It seems to be the lesser of two evils. Instead of more hurt, I can just retreat to what I know. Yet this time i didn't i had a taste of love, of truth, of peace, and didn't want to let it go out of fear.

So though my mind said go, go malia hide, god said no. Not this time. You dont have to. So i trembled, shook, and hurt, but i didn't hide. I walked back into my life, and said I am going to live. I am not going to starve in my hiding spot for a few weeks, or months, and wait to die. It hurts, but in the past few weeks i have been embraced. God's love has over taken me, protected me, and presented me with an unconditional love

so here I am. God this is me. I am scared to death. I have let my hiding place, the cold, damp, comfortable escape. Here I am. God please hold me. I am very angry with you. I feel like I can't handle my life. God I am here, im going to put myself out in the open. I'm going to do it. I'm creeping out of my cave, I hear you telling me, okay im really really scared. God are you sure.... lord this really is terrifying... this really is scary..i want to go back.
No, my little girl your okay..i'll protect you trust me.

Trust me? yea that is the question my spirit has toiled over in the past year.. and now especially trust me. Im writing this... i feel like writing .. i dont know what to say. That is how my life seems to be going lately i dont know what to do, but the words seem to fall into place. I don't know what is going to come next, but this is going to be symbolic for me. I am going to post this, for everyone to read. I've written a couple lately, but panicked at the thought of everyone I know reading them.

Yet here I am writing, so scared. I spend a lot of time afraid. Afraid to leave, even if i am being destroyed. I am like a mother waiting for a hurricane to come. She knows the storms are terrible, and the hurricane is on it's way but she can not bring her self to leave. She has her family there, her children, her home, what will she do? I knew the storms were around me, I knew if i did not leave it was only a matter of time before I died. Yet my life as i knew it was in the center of these storms, my friends, my family, my love, my life and I had no clue what would happen when i left. Yet the hurricane was at the point where the storms had destroyed most of what was around me, and now my choice was to be made. Hold on to this stuff, my comfort, though it was a storm(and no im not talking about my relationship with silas for those of you wondering about now) or i could go out, and take off away from this.
My bulimia, out loud here in black and white, my refuge, my storm. The lil shack I ran to whenever the storms came. Yet it let water leak all over me, and it kept me confined only to a little corner. This Shack was my hell yet i was so afraid, i couldnt weather life with out it. There's no food in my shack, it's dark, it's cold, and it is very shameful. Yea so why didn't i leave. Well it's fear that I can't go on with out it. I mean its a retreat.
So here I am, and the next storm had came and i was at the point where I had a choice i could run back to my shack, or stay and keep moving through the storm. So it was like god whispered in my ear, no, don't hide. Actually he showed me in a magazine, in neon yellow, but that is a different story. So I didn't. I didn't run back to my shack, but fearfully i stood in the rain. My greatest fear, staying there not knowing if i could handle the pain.
Yet i gave myself to god, quite literally. I've lately been praying take me, take this, hold me, love me, make it okay, but quite honestly he's been standing at my shack all along. With an umbrella, with one of those dorky ponchos from an amusement park, there's god, saying "coming, I can't say it's not going to be windy and you wont get wet, but you'll be allright, were going to make it to dryer ground. Im going to feed you. Im going to love you. I care about you. I will give you all you could ever need" This whole entire time i think he's been there waiting on me, yet my eyes were closed as i shivered in the corner of my shack.
So here I am scared quite shitless, but god's given me a poncho, stuck me under his umbrella and we are walking through this. So im walking and it's crazy a few people have left me hurt, but many have embraced me. Even through all of my disgust. I've opened up and people have actually came to me, wanting advice from me, wanting to be with me, even though they know,, they know about my shack.
I haven't been a victim but i've had a role in this fight. I haven't been screaming out to god save me save me but god please give me strength.. im in this. I'm yelling back, when satan says i am worthless, or fat, or i should throw up. Then god still holds me, standing behind me, so nothing that stupid ass shit in my life wants to throw at me can get me down.
God has given me hope again. Hope that i can fight. That i will be well again. That i can laugh again. That i can really love. That i dont have to be afraid. That i can eat a meal, and not fear the shame finding out i threw up right after. That i can cry, or be angry and feel no shame. That i can tell him anything and i am okay. Okay, i've never really fealt okay, but i do and if you would have told me i'd feel at peace during this time of my life, finally saying yea i think im done with bulimia, i would have looked have never believed you. Yet i feel loved by my family, my friends, by me. I still feel fat sometimes, and guilty for eating, and tired, and angry, and sad but for the first time i feel peace. God is not a god of Chaos but a god of Peace.

so im not re reading this or proofing it or anything. Its here okay. Take it . read it. Im really scared, but i feel like i am supposed to do it.

just a little bite of my writing.

I could be a humming bird.

So intense in color so miniscule in size.

What no one could expect I could do, I could do.

The humming bird is able to fly back wards.

No other bird can do that.
The humming bird, it gives me hope.
Hope that all things are possible through god.
That god can take the smallest thing and make something great out of it.
He can pull from us the smallest faith, talent, breath and use it to creat an incredible wonder.
Yes I could be a humming bird.

 

Keeper of the key.

To you I ran for refuge
but instead you spat in my face.
Your disgust, filth, and corruption
is carefully dressed in lace.

The thorns of your stem cut into my hands
and I continued to bleed.
Falling deeper and deeper into your sinking sand
though you only stole from me.

I stayed chained to your wrath with no hope of being free.
As I trembled and starved you sat in glee.
Yet you knew to fret,
for so shortly to be revealed was
he whom held the key.

refreshing

you pour over me washing sweat stained tears from my face
running in fear why have i fought so hard to leave this place.
I tip toe across the edge of a cliff, you urge me to jump but don't you know that i am only me?
Blind folded i fall forward, and you carry me by the waves of your endless sea.

refreshing

my body embraced by your tide,
no longer must i stay and hide.

refreshing

to you i come for hope, and for your peace is which i strive.

by your love i am accepted, by your grace i am alive.