malia-allen

alone. my heart breaks for those who are alone. I know what it is like to feel alone. It is crippling, it stabs into you, it is a cut that doesn't stop bleeding. I'm writing this, i am scared to death, because im starting to step away from my hiding spot. The spot that is dark, cramped, lonely but safe. It is safe, where it seems like no one can hurt me anymore, and i am not hurting anyone else. When i retreat to my hiding spot, I usually starve myself there, of people, of love, of god. For years I've retreated to this place, as a victim of shame, abuse, and disgust. I may eventually creep away, but only to get enough to survive on.
This time i decided not to hide. I knew if I hid I would go back to that horrible place. That place of my addiction, that is cramped, cold, shameful, but it lures me in. It seems to be the lesser of two evils. Instead of more hurt, I can just retreat to what I know. Yet this time i didn't i had a taste of love, of truth, of peace, and didn't want to let it go out of fear.

So though my mind said go, go malia hide, god said no. Not this time. You dont have to. So i trembled, shook, and hurt, but i didn't hide. I walked back into my life, and said I am going to live. I am not going to starve in my hiding spot for a few weeks, or months, and wait to die. It hurts, but in the past few weeks i have been embraced. God's love has over taken me, protected me, and presented me with an unconditional love