justine-scott

songs/music get to me. they inspire me to think.to listen. to be still. to express. to feel.and i am thankful for that. i usually have a song or a lyric to express how i feel or where i am for the moment the moon is a magnet is this song right now. and i'm blessed to have found it. marcia burnt me a copy of fall/winter by jon foreman. theres just something about it. just thinking about these words that i've never pondered before...

"What are we if we're not in love?"

I mean really... what are we if we aren't in love? Aren't we made to be in love with God all the time? Can we still be in love even if we don't feel like it? Don't we just have to push through it? Love is hard and that makes it better. "These are the cages" Our society believes that if we aren't in love that we're sad and lonely. Not true most of the time. It's a cage to believe that. It's caging ourselves. "Love is a sadness. Love is a madness. We are the addicts" We are the addicts. Gosh, it's so devinely prepared that I would find this song at this point in my life. So pretty and perfect. This song is how i'd like to be. I'd like to be delicate. A pretty woman. A soft spoken delicate pretty dainty woman.

im in my room and the song-it's on repeat. no joke- i've listened to it about 31 times in a row. here are the lyrics.

"The moon is a magnet
Everyone's at it
Everyone's had it
Love is a sadness
Love is a madness
We are the addicts

What are we if we're not in love?
What are we if we're not in love?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all

Somebody told me
That everyone's phony
'Til somebody's lonely
I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're only
Waiting to phone me

What are we if we're not alone?
What are we if we're not alone?
These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all

The moon is a magnet
Everyone's at it
Everyone's had i"

There's something so honest and sweet and real about this song. I guess you have to hear it to think it's sweet. There are horns or something in the background and it's soft and delicate with the acoustic guitar. that's where i am right now. tommorow i might be a yelling screaming song but today this is where i am. And I praise God for that- I haven't been here, in this mood, in this way- for a long time, a really long time. I'm trying to grasp and accept the fact that i'm in a field spiritually and i'm just walking and seeing. I'm trying to learn to enjoy and delight in this time. That's where I am.

i'm listening to damien rice and iron and wine.
i have a feeling this is going to be so many words.
the holidays are nearly past.
i don't want to dwell on them.
i'd like to venture into the deep for a while.
i'd like to try and process.
i'd like to try and figure out why this one chapter catches my fancy.

Psalm 51.

the other night- i was in bed- crying alone and outloud to God.
and i whipped open the word- i hate when people call it "the word".
why did i just say that? eww. i like when people say God's word
or whatever but not "the word". it's so cheesy to me.
alright... so i opened up to Psalms 51 due to devine intervention
and i read. and balled. and felt comforted. it had the words my mouth
couldn't find.
so i prayed them over and over to the Lord.

The prophet Nathan had just come to David after he had had sex with Bathsheba. And basically i feel like I've done the equivalent. I feel guilty and wretched. David and I have a bunch in common.

"Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
(that word is mesmerizing. ive never used it)
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
(honestly i guess me always having good
intentions has tricked me into thinking
that i wasn't that ruled by my sinful nature,
that it didn't mean that much and now i know that it isn't so.)
Against you, you only,
have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
(For some reason up until this point-
my sin hasn't shook me to my core until now )
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
(you do... and I want to give you that so very badly)
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
(i've made the mistake of asking for wisdom-
not realizing the responsibility that comes along with that)
Cleanse me with hyssop (that word is beautiful.)
and I will be clean;
(that is what they used in ritual
cleansing- but gosh i feel as if ill never be clean)
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness (YES please, i beg of you;)
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
(i pray that you hide your face from
these things i've done and said. from my horrid black heart) 
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 
(i want this. i ache for this )
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me. 
(i wouldn't blame you.)
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
(please-please. this is what i pray.)
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
(if i could love with your love )
Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me,
my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
(i want my tounge to sing and speak only of pure things. only of you.)
O Lord, open my lips,
and my moth will declare your praise.
(only of your praise)
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
(i would bring you anything and everything.
i'd gladly offer my livelyhood- anything.
it seems to me that something physical
would beso much easier. but that isn't it, is it.)
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
(here i am. this is the only thing that gives me hope.)
O God, you will not despise.
In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
(build me up.)
Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
(then i can point others to you )
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offerend on your altar."

is this where i am?
i feel as if i've regressed.
i have all of these expectations...all of which are completely retarted.
and He knows it.
i'm just now catching on.
Lord, i need your help.
there. i said it.
I want it to be all about you.
i really do. and now i get that that means we have to work on me.
as much as id love just to focus on you and nothing else.

I guess I can at least say in all honesty that...
I'm trying.
Finally. Gosh. Finally.

I'm frustrated with myself. God has been enough- more than enough for me in the past. His grace. His love. His everything. It is and should be more than enough. Why do I want more? Why do I yearn for something tangible? Why do I ache for things of this world? For intimacy with someone here. Honestly I'm really struggling with wanting what I want. I want to be loved romantically. I want requited love. I want to be wanted. And it hurts to be such a let down. God should be enough for me. God wanting me should set me on fire- but now- it's different. I wish I could blame it all on hormones and society- but I can't. I yearn to be in love. I yearn for someone to be in love with. A two way street. And I'm to terrified to allow any of that to happen. I long to love and be loved but I don't know how and I'm terrified I'm unable. I swear- it would all be so much easier if I could just make out with Jesus. I'm tormented. Is it wrong for me to want someone? I feel like it is. It hurts- I'm in anguish. I wish that my emotions had no foothold in my life- but they are a huge part of who I am, as dangerous as that is. I am up and down a million times a day- i guess it's a part of being bi-polar, but it doesn't help to not be able to be hugged by God. I just want him to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay even though I'm crazy. Here I am... crying at 4 in the morning when I should be sleeping. I'm not good at this whole "life" thing. He used to be enough! I swear He did! What did I do? What happened? All this time, all these moments are wasted. I should be thinking of others- of orphans and widows and how to help. I should be living for others. I'm selfish. I don't know how to fight my flesh. I don't know. I don't know. I feel alone. I have friends- incredible, beautiful blessings for friends, who i love to a fault. I have family- family that loves me in spite of myself. I have a perfect creator who longs for me- who i can't touch. I want something touchable. I feel horrible about it. I'm sorry Lord. You are enough. What's wrong with me? Gosh, I just need to stop thinking. Turn it off, like i always have. Lie to myself. Tell myself 'I don't care.' The h and n on my keyboard really don't want to work and it's pissing me off. I should go to bed. I have to wake up in a few hours. I should do a lot of things. (i'm not going to.)

Let’s play Catch-up. This is my least favorite thing to do.

Where should I start? I guess I’ll go back about 6 months.

The past:

I was a senior in high school and I decided to graduate early and get out of Indiana. I’d always planned on not going to college and moving right on to the mission field. Turns out the farthest I could get at this time was Kentucky, my sister goes to seminary there and said I could move in with her and rent my room and bathroom. So this is what I did… in order to stay on my mom’s health insurance I enrolled in community college, took out a loan, and got a job. I never wanted to go to college because I know what I would be getting; I would have a great time, I know that. Why do something so easy? And also I just felt like I couldn’t wait. So I decided I might as well make the best of it and have a great time. Classes were amazing and just fanned the flame. I met some really incredible people. I failed journalism (I never went) and I fell in love with my Peace and War Perspectives Class. That was my college experience.

During this I prayed for a job. There’s this coffee house and café’ called main and maple, in a bigger town about 10 minutes away, where college students and random people come to use the internet and chill. I applied and they said come back and apply in two weeks, I came back in one and I got the job. The only explanation is God’s hand. I had no experience and honestly no one ever get’s hired there.  So work was good and all the people were about 10 years older than me but so cool. My sister has a new boyfriend, Adam. He’s in Jerusalem for a couple weeks and then is moving to Texas a couple weeks after he comes back. Also one of her best friends just moved to Texas. I asked Justin and JD, guys I work with, if we could be friends and JD said… “You’re 18 and I’m 26… it’s not like we can hang out.” Just another time my age worked against me.  So the loneliness set in and tears flowed because I forgot how hard it was to make real relationships. But I started getting used to being alone and reviling in my reclusisty. Over the past couple months Justin and JD have started to come around. Justin and Charis have invited me over to hang out and watch movies and I went to Pasca with them and basically they are what I’d been praying for.

Lately:

I haven’t been hearing God in the way that I’m used to. Usually He’s given me dreams or signs or spelled it out for me, but now… nothing.  I read my Bible all the time and pray and just hang out with Him throughout the day but seriously… silence. Sometimes I feel his presence and it’s so obvious but mostly I feel like he isn’t there. Over the last Few Months I’ve been praying and asking Him what’s next for me, asked for direction… nothing.

Last week. :

Jaqi and I were in the car talking about stuff and she let me know that the lease was up in September and that she was planning on transferring to a seminary in Texas. This would’ve been useful information earlier. This gives me 2 months to find some loosely compiled excuse for a plan.

Now:

 I just need to figure out what I’m gonna do for the next 6 months to a year. So I’ve asked a couple of my incredible friends who are growing and becoming incredible young women of God to pray and we are going to meet within the next week and try and narrow down anything. Or just hang out. I’m thinking God is just waiting for me to use the knowledge and resources he’s provided me with to take the next step.  So that’s something I have to deal with.